Recently I have been going through some stuff thats been troubling me. I’ve been having thoughts about Christianity, my purpose or calling, if I can even be bothered with any of it, whatever any of it is anyway. I’ve felt like God doesn’t care and frankly I’m not sure I was even bothered about that. I’ve laid in bed not wanting to get up the following morning, wishing I could stay in bed for a long time. I know that some people who have these feelings are diagnosed with depression and maybe thats what I felt. It sure felt like it could be.
No doubt a lot of the feelings I have had have arisen from struggles I have with sexual sin. I have failed a few times with particular struggles I have been having. Just when I thought I was over one particular aspect of sexual sin, another has risen its ugly head and definately that has contributed to the loss of hope I have been feeling.
When you think like that it is hard to get out of, but thankfully I’m starting to think more positively. I have been reading Matthew Paul Turners new book about calling (which I will review soon, once I have finished it) which has given me hope. I have been helped massively by reading stories on xxxchurch.com and heartsupport.com similar to mine which have given me hope. Being honest with my friend about my failures and difficulties with wanting to do things of a sexual nature that deplete my soul, has given me hope. I have started to discover things about my placement (which I want to go into soon as well), which I thought was pointless which has given me hope. And most of all I just read an article by John Piper which has given me…yep thats right….hope.
It’s funny how things work out, how if we just hang in there and are ready to fight for ourselves, to have some respect for ourselves and be determined not to beat ourselves up because we think that some how that is being humble, things look brighter. It”s funny how if we just hold on to some sort of belief that God does actually care (even when the only thing we want to do is drop him) we can actually become more like how we were meant to be.
There are people who care, people whos stories you will find freakily similar to yours, and a God who will love us no matter what are thoughts about him are like. Hope is there and freedom is an amazing thing to really feel. I don’t think many people really know that peace. I want it and I right now I am willing to fight for my life again. For today at least!!